So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
