obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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