Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
