apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
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