Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
