sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
