is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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