On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
