Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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