I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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