I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
