You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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