i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
