You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
