then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
