It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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