I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
