do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
