yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
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I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
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Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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