I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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