Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Duck Duck Cougar?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
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