Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
