hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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