she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
