He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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