He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Randomize
