I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
