she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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