i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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