no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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