My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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