I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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