i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
