Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
