How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Who died my cat blue again?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize