please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
