I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
