The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
The best revenge is premature balding
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Randomize
