yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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