Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
