I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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