For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
