What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize