Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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