but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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