you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
What happened to fro yo and sex?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
