he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
