I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize