All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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