a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
