if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
