proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
