tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
