no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
