When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
