I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
