so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
