Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
