i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
